Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
