you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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