Apparently you make a good broom.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
