also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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