What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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