I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
