There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
