Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
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I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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