Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
