I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
