3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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