My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
