Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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