I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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