I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
