I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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