he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
