so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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