I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
