So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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