i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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