Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
