All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
the raccoons are back...
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