im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
