Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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