That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
how drunk are you?
Several
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
