i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
