I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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