So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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