Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
