I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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