there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
