did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
