and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
