My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
