It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just want to make out with him forever
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
