if only i could text you this smell
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
