just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we're so committed to being not committed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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