i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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