Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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