Me. At least after what I've been through.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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