I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
