Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
