who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
