i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
