I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
