Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
COCAINE IS GR8
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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