Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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