His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
