I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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