I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
