I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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