ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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