apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
