A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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