There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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