and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
