If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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