Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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