I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
